Friday, October 27, 2006

"sorry for the inconvience"

Todays problem goes

My problem is this: when signs say "sorry for the inconvience" and I am hugely inconvenienced by the sign's spelling. (I know a few people who have recently been to Scotland and love it.)

Finally you have came to the right place.Your problem is not only complex but trivial.As this problem has 3 interconnecting facits that compound each other we first need to seperate them and deal with them individually.
Firstly i can see that with your hair colouring,there is no way you should wear tweed jackets but you persist in doing so.This leads your neighbours to distrust you and in a sinister way shun you in public.You have left yourself open to the Public mocking you have become acustomed to.You should chage to a cordaroy / nylon twist overcoat with a high collar.This wont help but it will give the nieghbours something different to talk about.
Secondly,reading between the lines of your text.It is apparent that you like to nail flapjacks to the back of oldfolks heads.THIS PRACTICE MUST STOP AND STOP NOW.dONT YOU KNOW THAT THERE ARE PEOPLE STARVING IN ,Paisley,Glagow.When you have this urge simply pop the flapjack into an envalope addressed to Paisley starving folk,Paisley,Glasgow.Then slap your own face.
Thirdly,Dress up as a Doctor and watch peoples reaction to you change ,instantly.Feel free to administer medical advice to any sick folk who speak to you and then charge them £50 a pop.Not only will this be finacialy lucrative but it will do you self esteam the world of good and may stop you masterbating in public.You should also involve another person in your sex lfe,You never know you might like it and it may keep the police off your back.

I hope this helps if not well,Thats you hard cheese.I dont care.Im not your problem solving Monkey....What do you take me for you fool.

Oh im happy you enjoyed Scotland its a great wee place.



I need help myself.

Even though i get a high volume of blogger traffic,It has become clear that people are afraid or ashamed to tell thier problems to the world even though they would benefit from the advice given and undoughtedly be a better person for thier troubles.
I think either i have solved all the problems in the world already by covering the topics in this blog.....OR....People just dont want help.

I do.I need to help .....So

Please leave your problem as a comment and i will cure what aills you.If you dont have a problem tell your friend,who obviously has several problems about the site and i will unravel thier messed up lives.

Its payback time i want your problems and you in return can laugh at others missfortune.It a win win situation.

Friday, October 20, 2006

PLLastlic Flanny


I desperately need your help. I was abducted by aliens and no one believes me. Since I was abducted I have now found hair growing in strange places, like under my nose and also down below.
This is really distressing now and have got to the point where I have bought one thon plastic fannies to keep me company.
What do I do????
This is an all to common problem and fair play to you ,you've taken the first steps to solving it.
The solution to your quandry is very complex.Firstly i can see that from the way you write that you have a lisp.words like crisp fill you with dread.You go to the local spar and ask for a packet of chleese and onylin clisp.This is then followed by the shopkeeper and any customers in the store having a wee laugh at your expence.These all to common incidents have left you feeling allianated and outcasted from normal society.The repacutions of these event have been so dramatic that they have left you with a nervous twitch which only compounds your already painfull problem.I can see that it has been many years since you have eaten a pack of chleese and onylin clisps because of your impediment and have only been able to order Plain crisps as it sounds the same no matter how many Ls you put in it.This has left your mouth full of ulsors due to the high salt content in the said crisps this inturn causes your mouth to slabber making you even more ridiculas than you have ever looked when ordering potatoe based snacks.The combined effect of the Lisp,the twitch and the slabbering leed me to believe that your statement that you AND I QUOTE

" I have got to the point where I have bought one thon plastic fannies to keep me company".
Is a complete lie.I can just picture you going into the plastic fannies shop,Twitching and slabbering and asking for a "PLLASTLIC FLANNY ".This senario could never have happened.
The Fanny sales man would have said "Sorry ?"
You would say "Clan i halve a PLLASTLIC FLANNY Plleeese"
The Fanny sales man would have said "Sorry ?"

This cenario would have gone on for ages until the sales man just might happen on a japanese version of a plastic fanny ,called the I.T GUYS BEST CHANCE OF GETTING HIS HOLE .The great japanese PLLASTLIC FLANNY.
This could not happen and if it did the afore mentioned flanny would not work on a european PenisCOCKwillie as it is well known that the oriental Flanny goes sidey ways, as proven when nude oriental women slide down bannisters and thier chuffs make the same noise as when you push your lips out and blow while changing the tone of the noise with you finger.This is proof perfect that you are a compulsive lier and are not to be trusted as for the Alien abduction nonse ,That probably happened for there is no credible explanation to having hair down below.So i think you did get abducted and i would check your arsehole Daily in case an Alien comes out and can speak correctly when ordering crisps just to rub you nose in the fact even cunts from outer space are better than you.
I hope that helps.I f not well you never paid for the advice so you cant complain.So dont come on here giving it the high and mighty.Take it or leave it i dont care....Now on yer toes ....yooooooooooooou freak.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006


Anonymous said...
can any1 please tell me where to meet young, fit, gorgeous gentlemen with BIG schlongs???

Well no.but would you consider someone with one of the five virtues you seek cos i have .................................................................................................................................

the manners of a gentelman...ha ha.................but im not a chuckney ferrit u on yer toes and dont come back.

cheesy belly button lady

this poor wee lambs work colleague has a problem....lets fix it for her.The problem goes......

double-v- said...
my friend at work wants to know why her bellybutton stinks. she said that when she inserted her finger in2 it and pulled it out her finger was green and cheesy.

Not an uncommon problem.First we need to deal with your denial that it is actually you and not your "FRIEND".Who has the problem.Admitting thats this discusting and apporant ailment is happening to you Double v.
I will fill you in on some of the background to why you have this problem.Firstly when god made us all ,he made us in bulk and moulded usm like an airfix kit.If you havent seen them its like a plastic frame and all the pieces are connected by small lengths of platic and like these airfix kits ,when God pulls us off this plastic frame it invariably leaves a we dent...This wee dent on you is your belly button,although this is not always the case i believe Ginger men were attached through the ars@holio..anyway i digress......So we now know why you have a belly button but why does it stink?
It stinks of cheese as you fine well know because of a night after downing several bottles of buckfast tonic wine you invariably find yourself a young man of dubious virture and force him to smear you semi naked body with a variety of cheese's especially thon moul;dy french minging wans that gie god fearing, right minded blokes the boak.While you rithe in a vat of unadultarated passion the like of which has not been seen in the west coast of Scotland since my first ventures into the art of love.So this tells us why it is cheesy........
Now we need to ask ourselves why is it green?.......Well i dont have a fecking clue.....You my smelly wee mate should take yersel ta the doctor cos you have serios complaint their.It actually sounds like Fanny rot....The only cure for this is to have your chuff cut off and replaced with an artificial wan....Like the ones i hear they sell in Annie Summurs for the boys that are too lazy ot too ugly to either get a burd or have a Halo .
So to summerise,you will always have a belly,stop getting boys to rub cheese on you and get a fanny transplant.
............Oh and stay away from me you sound Ripe...

I hope that helps if notill be a grey haired Pot bellied handsome chap.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006


This poor wee soul has a problem that ....makes me mauve with anger....It goes.
annonomus says
pleae help we are a couple of saddos who once had a social life fighting the cause now this is over we miss all our wonderfull nights out i.e. burger king at 2.30am in glasgow is not to be missed, can you please give us some help in some other cause that is looking for a reduntant possie!

Ah my heart goes out to you.
Reading between the lines i can sense that the mere existance of tupperware,makes you retch like a small horse running on a thursday.Me too.It is also apparent that you have an eversion to cheap fast food restaraunt beavers.The solution is simple get yourself a stick and the next time the Beaver pops out,Smak him right between the eyes....Try and get his confidence first by giving him a wee tickle or a big sausage.........Oh do this before you hit him or the other part will be very difficult.Then nick down to the nearest shop and buy some out of date "Shake and Vac" and spread it on next doors weasils ears while cavorting naked in the back garden shouting "I HAVE A SIGNED CELTIC BALL AND IM GONNY TAKE IT AFF THAT WUMMIN I GAVE IT TOO AND GIE IT TO PATTAGONY FOR SOLVING MY PROBLEMS....................TRUMPET".
I hope that helps you if not rub your leggs with vim and dress as a clown while firing ping pong balls out of your @;,ff ,HongKong style into the assembled leadership of you local councils education Department who have been smothered in jam , sand and jaunty hats.
I BET THAT WORKS.......Especially the football thing.....Ill swap it for a signed Niel Lennon Book.......
OR Just setup a wee night oot for the goodguys and no invites to the bad guys......


Todays problem from a single mom goes.
Hope you can help with this little problem of mine. for first time in my life i find myself going on holliday as a single adult.but the children are accompaning me. How can I have FUN without them?
Redaing between the lines i can see that you have a police record for using selotape to remove your bakini line on the 42 bus to Possil while rubbing your eyes and shouting SPATULA YA BAM on a thursday.
If your a good looker find yourself a man whos good with his hands......Say i guy who can draw anything........It sjust a thought ....THINKABOUT know you want it....anyway i digress.
This is a common problem these days due to the labour government.Thier anti single parent policies mean that it is not legal to leave your kids locked up in the kitchen while you go away and have fun in the sun.It s just another factor in this nanny state we live in.So the solution is easy........
Go to the pound shop in Parkhead forge.....the one where my susies Index shop was before it moved to the other end of the forge and subsiquently shut down as i said it would to the Boss.Surfice to say he never took my advice which ment my Susie was made redundant and had to suffer my company for months....but i digress.....So get the bus from Bargeddie to Bailleston then change to a number 62....Get off the bus at the forge and go into the pound shop.There you will find the answer to your problem.Oh take £2 with you'll need it or the whole thing would have been a waste of time.In the shop buy a family size pack of kiddon moustaches for a pound.With the other pound buy either a 48 pack of super glue or 200 carpet tacks....What ever you prefer.As you are about to depart on your holiday take the kids to the kitchen,give them a mans pipe each and throw flour on thier heads.Take the pack of moustaches out and your glue or carpet tacks and fix one onto each kid.use the glue if you are going for a week cos it will probably fall of but to be safe nail them on with the carpet tacs.
Then lock the door and go to the airport safe in the knowledge that even if the social services do call at your home when your lying butt naked on the beach covered in the italian power boat team of 3 hunky brothers who have just satisfied all your needs and some you did'nt realise that you had.You filthy mixen, you'll be bruised for weeks oh but it will be worth slut.They will only find some old men in the kitchen who they will probably give some soup and tripe to keep them happy.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006


do you all have small legs and that makes your willies look bigger.

Friday, September 01, 2006


I recieved a request for advice from an unknown person whos name will remain nameless.For this reason i will keep the authors name
David O hagan,
7b ginger place.
tO MYSELF.and his problem goes.
why cant we get condoms to fit small willies?
By the wording of your problem i deduse that both you and your boyfriend both have small willies,as you refer to you as we.I cant help you with the fact you have a maggot but there are some tricks you could use to disguise the size.
1/ only have sex with very short people, who only come up to your bawsack.This will give them the impression you have a monster.....for a few seconds.
2/ grow your pubes to a really wild bushy state until they cover you tiny knob,
then you can pretend to be a girl.
3/buy a 20 pack of party balloons to use instead.Not only are they cheaper and better value but they are made of thicker rubber than a johnny so therefore you might touch the sides.On the down side you may need to buy elastic bands to keep them on.Reading between the lines i feel another reason you cant find jonnies to fit your wee tinkler is that at an early age you were tramatised by a small Cat rearing up at you scaring your penis back into its penis chute.This has lead to you penis being scared to come out any time there's pussy about.Get yourself some cheese and a pair of tweasers and try and coax the wee bastard out.When hes out tie an elastic band at the base ,this will make it appear larger.Dont leave it on too long as it will go black and then fall off.
The fact that you are bashfully shy dosent help.I want you to be more forcefull.I want you to go into Tesco and shout "I have a wee dick!Do you have any jonnies for a maggot".This wont help you but will give other people a laugh at you problem.And you may help some other more fortunate people.
So to summerise Rub your cock with a mouldy cucumber and stick it out the window untill it attracts a blue light .Then runaway.This will train your brain to think of other problems other than the half sausage and you might leave me alon you wierdo.Now on your toes scollop.
I hope that helps.....If not yer fecked ya plum.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006


Plumheads problem goes as.

Dear Patt, i am need of your worldly advice,i have a friend who introduced me to this fabulous restaurant(Nandos) dont know if you have heard of it ? well the thing is they do the most faulous vege pittas(YUM!YUM)and i just cant get enough,every saturday it calls to me..Vege pittas!!vege pittas!!i have to go and fulfil my needs, but the thing is my waistband is expanding and my purse is getting empty what am i to do??? do i starve all week and enjoy on a sat?? do i move to the outerhebrides to avoid my urges or do i plain and simply kick the shit out of the person who introduced me to this heavenly place??? please help me i cant go on!!! Look forwards to reading your reply when i get back from Nandos BYE!!!.

Well Plumhead it sound like you have a very common problem.Im sure i can help...Me that is Pattagony....not Patt,I dont know this man.
You speak of being a Veggie and yet you say you have an expanded waistband.This would lead me to believe that you may not be a complete Veggie and that you may have a regular intake of Meat.Maybe the sook of a wee sausage or perhaps a bite out of a big banger.It is clear that your diet is not only confined to vegetables.I would hazard a guess that up your house there are regular Orgies were by you indulge in a lagre portion of meat ,perhaps every Saturday evening at 9.30.....knock twice,the password is Nandos pitta.So what you need to do is stop lying to the world.You are a lover of long meat,short meat,fat meat thin meat,doggy meat and any other type of meat you can think of that is slightly rude.
The next worrying part of your sorded little life,Is the violence ,you strike me as a tortured soul who takes out thier boozed fuelled anger on Muscle bound Bouncers at certain Monster named clubs.You seek out these vulnerable people in society and way into them with a wave of unprevocked violence.From this it is clear you get a sexual kick.The reason you do this is simple.Reading between the lines i see that you have in the past had a fixating with smearing young men with chocolate products.(say a chocolate cake,maybe some minsterals)This image ,i imagine you use to fan the flames of your unfullfilled sex life giving you that boost all women need to find pleasure in the act of Love with thier long term partner.This is common practice in certain small villages in north lanarkshire.You are by no means alone.Many a women would loved to smear chocolate on young men and then use it to intensify the passion in thier normal relationships,culminating in several top class orgasims.
As for this friend.He sounds like a fantastic person.He introduced you to a great place to eat and also a cover for your "I'm a veggie Lie".I imagine hes an attractive chubby man,who may snore and can laugh the knickers off a giraffe.Thats if giraffes wore knickers.He sound dynamic,charming,urbane and reading between the lines one of the worlds greatest and most skilled lovers.I bet he knows all the tricks to use on a lady.If only he were a single man you could have took advantage of his services and you could abandon your need to add spice to your love life with chocolate.oh with the exception of mars bars ,everyone should use a mars bar in thier sex life even if its just for an energy boost half way through the act.My question to you is why do you not ask your good friend to come along.are you afraid this stalion will uncover your secret and then blackmail you into all sorts of degradding sexual acts to satisfy his degenerated un_natural demands.or is it your to tight to pay.All this leads me to just one solution for your problem and it is simple buy yourself a gypsy and travel the world helping him sell his wares dor to door.You could also nip across the road to your friends and borrow an 800g jar of rowats beetroot slices( dont worry shes got hunners of jars) and use the juice to give your hair a more natural Plum colour.This juice will invariablly seep into your brain through your nut.This will tell your brain you are full and it wont tell your mouth to shovel more nandoes piittas in..ok.. I hope that helps if not nip round to your friends with a nandos veggie burger and tell them when the next party is....Please remember only attend if you have the burger .if you attend and dont have the burger he will probably swear at you and slam the door in your face.This will give you even more problems than you had before....oh and buy a cat....i like cats.,,,,,,