A LETTER FROM A MAVIS

Hello fans,I recieved a letter from a Mavis of Linwood Paisley and it reads.
Dear Pattagony,
Over the years my Waistline has expanded To in excess of 52 inches.To try and compensate for this dramatic body shape altering problem.I have grown my hair in the Style of one of them Hillbilly fuckers(You know the ones that sleep with thier sisters,who happen to be thier mothers and long lost cousin,all in one)).In a desperate attempt to Distract the Public from my Pat like shape.All this folical reshaping has not worked and i not only get calls of Fat Bastard from the local Priest but i also get you Mullit headed pig fucker,oh and Homo.
This is getting me down ,So much so that i Had to pay for a lady of exotic origin to be my girlfriend,This to was to direct the topic of conversation away from my jelly belly.I WAS ONCE PROUD TO BE THE Paisley Panda.Then they asked me too leave as the giant Panda suit was getting a bit tight and had some unusual stains in the crotch....but thats a different matter.I hope you can find a solution.oh and my dog shits behind the Tv.Can you help.
Mavis(Im a boy not a girl).