A PLUMS PROBLEM

Plumheads problem goes as.

Dear Patt, i am need of your worldly advice,i have a friend who introduced me to this fabulous restaurant(Nandos) dont know if you have heard of it ? well the thing is they do the most faulous vege pittas(YUM!YUM)and i just cant get enough,every saturday it calls to me..Vege pittas!!vege pittas!!i have to go and fulfil my needs, but the thing is my waistband is expanding and my purse is getting empty what am i to do??? do i starve all week and enjoy on a sat?? do i move to the outerhebrides to avoid my urges or do i plain and simply kick the shit out of the person who introduced me to this heavenly place??? please help me i cant go on!!! Look forwards to reading your reply when i get back from Nandos BYE!!!.

Well Plumhead it sound like you have a very common problem.Im sure i can help...Me that is Pattagony....not Patt,I dont know this man.
You speak of being a Veggie and yet you say you have an expanded waistband.This would lead me to believe that you may not be a complete Veggie and that you may have a regular intake of Meat.Maybe the sook of a wee sausage or perhaps a bite out of a big banger.It is clear that your diet is not only confined to vegetables.I would hazard a guess that up your house there are regular Orgies were by you indulge in a lagre portion of meat ,perhaps every Saturday evening at 9.30.....knock twice,the password is Nandos pitta.So what you need to do is stop lying to the world.You are a lover of long meat,short meat,fat meat thin meat,doggy meat and any other type of meat you can think of that is slightly rude.
The next worrying part of your sorded little life,Is the violence ,you strike me as a tortured soul who takes out thier boozed fuelled anger on Muscle bound Bouncers at certain Monster named clubs.You seek out these vulnerable people in society and way into them with a wave of unprevocked violence.From this it is clear you get a sexual kick.The reason you do this is simple.Reading between the lines i see that you have in the past had a fixating with smearing young men with chocolate products.(say a chocolate cake,maybe some minsterals)This image ,i imagine you use to fan the flames of your unfullfilled sex life giving you that boost all women need to find pleasure in the act of Love with thier long term partner.This is common practice in certain small villages in north lanarkshire.You are by no means alone.Many a women would loved to smear chocolate on young men and then use it to intensify the passion in thier normal relationships,culminating in several top class orgasims.
As for this friend.He sounds like a fantastic person.He introduced you to a great place to eat and also a cover for your "I'm a veggie Lie".I imagine hes an attractive chubby man,who may snore and can laugh the knickers off a giraffe.Thats if giraffes wore knickers.He sound dynamic,charming,urbane and reading between the lines one of the worlds greatest and most skilled lovers.I bet he knows all the tricks to use on a lady.If only he were a single man you could have took advantage of his services and you could abandon your need to add spice to your love life with chocolate.oh with the exception of mars bars ,everyone should use a mars bar in thier sex life even if its just for an energy boost half way through the act.My question to you is why do you not ask your good friend to come along.are you afraid this stalion will uncover your secret and then blackmail you into all sorts of degradding sexual acts to satisfy his degenerated un_natural demands.or is it your to tight to pay.All this leads me to just one solution for your problem and it is simple buy yourself a gypsy and travel the world helping him sell his wares dor to door.You could also nip across the road to your friends and borrow an 800g jar of rowats beetroot slices( dont worry shes got hunners of jars) and use the juice to give your hair a more natural Plum colour.This juice will invariablly seep into your brain through your nut.This will tell your brain you are full and it wont tell your mouth to shovel more nandoes piittas in..ok.. I hope that helps if not nip round to your friends with a nandos veggie burger and tell them when the next party is....Please remember only attend if you have the burger .if you attend and dont have the burger he will probably swear at you and slam the door in your face.This will give you even more problems than you had before....oh and buy a cat....i like cats.,,,,,,