SINGLE TOTTY LOOKING FOR SUN FUN

Todays problem from a single mom goes.
Hope you can help with this little problem of mine. for first time in my life i find myself going on holliday as a single adult.but the children are accompaning me. How can I have FUN without them?
Redaing between the lines i can see that you have a police record for using selotape to remove your bakini line on the 42 bus to Possil while rubbing your eyes and shouting SPATULA YA BAM on a thursday.
If your a good looker find yourself a man whos good with his hands......Say i guy who can draw anything........It sjust a thought ....THINKABOUT IT.......you know you want it....anyway i digress.
This is a common problem these days due to the labour government.Thier anti single parent policies mean that it is not legal to leave your kids locked up in the kitchen while you go away and have fun in the sun.It s just another factor in this nanny state we live in.So the solution is easy........
Go to the pound shop in Parkhead forge.....the one where my susies Index shop was before it moved to the other end of the forge and subsiquently shut down as i said it would to the Boss.Surfice to say he never took my advice which ment my Susie was made redundant and had to suffer my company for months....but i digress.....So get the bus from Bargeddie to Bailleston then change to a number 62....Get off the bus at the forge and go into the pound shop.There you will find the answer to your problem.Oh take £2 with you .....you'll need it or the whole thing would have been a waste of time.In the shop buy a family size pack of kiddon moustaches for a pound.With the other pound buy either a 48 pack of super glue or 200 carpet tacks....What ever you prefer.As you are about to depart on your holiday take the kids to the kitchen,give them a mans pipe each and throw flour on thier heads.Take the pack of moustaches out and your glue or carpet tacks and fix one onto each kid.use the glue if you are going for a week cos it will probably fall of but to be safe nail them on with the carpet tacs.
Then lock the door and go to the airport safe in the knowledge that even if the social services do call at your home when your lying butt naked on the beach covered in the italian power boat team of 3 hunky brothers who have just satisfied all your needs and some you did'nt realise that you had.You filthy mixen, you'll be bruised for weeks oh but it will be worth it......you slut.They will only find some old men in the kitchen who they will probably give some soup and tripe to keep them happy.
I HOPE YOU TAKE THIS ADVICE IF YOU DONT JUST REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED TO INDEX.Think on..........