PLLastlic Flanny

IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM.LEAVE IT ON THE COMMENTS PAGE AND I WILL GET BACK TO YOU AS SOON AS POSIBLE.NO REAL PROBLEMS THOUGH ,IM NOT A REAL AGONY AUNT.

TODAYS PROBLEM COMES FROM ANNON AND IT GOES
Pattagony
I desperately need your help. I was abducted by aliens and no one believes me. Since I was abducted I have now found hair growing in strange places, like under my nose and also down below.
This is really distressing now and have got to the point where I have bought one thon plastic fannies to keep me company.
What do I do????
This is an all to common problem and fair play to you ,you've taken the first steps to solving it.
The solution to your quandry is very complex.Firstly i can see that from the way you write that you have a lisp.words like crisp fill you with dread.You go to the local spar and ask for a packet of chleese and onylin clisp.This is then followed by the shopkeeper and any customers in the store having a wee laugh at your expence.These all to common incidents have left you feeling allianated and outcasted from normal society.The repacutions of these event have been so dramatic that they have left you with a nervous twitch which only compounds your already painfull problem.I can see that it has been many years since you have eaten a pack of chleese and onylin clisps because of your impediment and have only been able to order Plain crisps as it sounds the same no matter how many Ls you put in it.This has left your mouth full of ulsors due to the high salt content in the said crisps this inturn causes your mouth to slabber making you even more ridiculas than you have ever looked when ordering potatoe based snacks.The combined effect of the Lisp,the twitch and the slabbering leed me to believe that your statement that you AND I QUOTE

" I have got to the point where I have bought one thon plastic fannies to keep me company".
Is a complete lie.I can just picture you going into the plastic fannies shop,Twitching and slabbering and asking for a "PLLASTLIC FLANNY ".This senario could never have happened.
The Fanny sales man would have said "Sorry ?"
You would say "Clan i halve a PLLASTLIC FLANNY Plleeese"
The Fanny sales man would have said "Sorry ?"

This cenario would have gone on for ages until the sales man just might happen on a japanese version of a plastic fanny ,called the I.T GUYS BEST CHANCE OF GETTING HIS HOLE .The great japanese PLLASTLIC FLANNY.
This could not happen and if it did the afore mentioned flanny would not work on a european PenisCOCKwillie as it is well known that the oriental Flanny goes sidey ways, as proven when nude oriental women slide down bannisters and thier chuffs make the same noise as when you push your lips out and blow while changing the tone of the noise with you finger.This is proof perfect that you are a compulsive lier and are not to be trusted as for the Alien abduction nonse ,That probably happened for there is no credible explanation to having hair down below.So i think you did get abducted and i would check your arsehole Daily in case an Alien comes out and can speak correctly when ordering crisps just to rub you nose in the fact even cunts from outer space are better than you.
I hope that helps.I f not well you never paid for the advice so you cant complain.So dont come on here giving it the high and mighty.Take it or leave it i dont care....Now on yer toes ....yooooooooooooou freak.