A PLUMS PROBLEM

Plumheads problem goes as.

Dear Patt, i am need of your worldly advice,i have a friend who introduced me to this fabulous restaurant(Nandos) dont know if you have heard of it ? well the thing is they do the most faulous vege pittas(YUM!YUM)and i just cant get enough,every saturday it calls to me..Vege pittas!!vege pittas!!i have to go and fulfil my needs, but the thing is my waistband is expanding and my purse is getting empty what am i to do??? do i starve all week and enjoy on a sat?? do i move to the outerhebrides to avoid my urges or do i plain and simply kick the shit out of the person who introduced me to this heavenly place??? please help me i cant go on!!! Look forwards to reading your reply when i get back from Nandos BYE!!!.

Well Plumhead it sound like you have a very common problem.Im sure i can help...Me that is Pattagony....not Patt,I dont know this man.
You speak of being a Veggie and yet you say you have an expanded waistband.This would lead me to believe that you may not be a complete Veggie and that you may have a regular intake of Meat.Maybe the sook of a wee sausage or perhaps a bite out of a big banger.It is clear that your diet is not only confined to vegetables.I would hazard a guess that up your house there are regular Orgies were by you indulge in a lagre portion of meat ,perhaps every Saturday evening at 9.30.....knock twice,the password is Nandos pitta.So what you need to do is stop lying to the world.You are a lover of long meat,short meat,fat meat thin meat,doggy meat and any other type of meat you can think of that is slightly rude.
The next worrying part of your sorded little life,Is the violence ,you strike me as a tortured soul who takes out thier boozed fuelled anger on Muscle bound Bouncers at certain Monster named clubs.You seek out these vulnerable people in society and way into them with a wave of unprevocked violence.From this it is clear you get a sexual kick.The reason you do this is simple.Reading between the lines i see that you have in the past had a fixating with smearing young men with chocolate products.(say a chocolate cake,maybe some minsterals)This image ,i imagine you use to fan the flames of your unfullfilled sex life giving you that boost all women need to find pleasure in the act of Love with thier long term partner.This is common practice in certain small villages in north lanarkshire.You are by no means alone.Many a women would loved to smear chocolate on young men and then use it to intensify the passion in thier normal relationships,culminating in several top class orgasims.
As for this friend.He sounds like a fantastic person.He introduced you to a great place to eat and also a cover for your "I'm a veggie Lie".I imagine hes an attractive chubby man,who may snore and can laugh the knickers off a giraffe.Thats if giraffes wore knickers.He sound dynamic,charming,urbane and reading between the lines one of the worlds greatest and most skilled lovers.I bet he knows all the tricks to use on a lady.If only he were a single man you could have took advantage of his services and you could abandon your need to add spice to your love life with chocolate.oh with the exception of mars bars ,everyone should use a mars bar in thier sex life even if its just for an energy boost half way through the act.My question to you is why do you not ask your good friend to come along.are you afraid this stalion will uncover your secret and then blackmail you into all sorts of degradding sexual acts to satisfy his degenerated un_natural demands.or is it your to tight to pay.All this leads me to just one solution for your problem and it is simple buy yourself a gypsy and travel the world helping him sell his wares dor to door.You could also nip across the road to your friends and borrow an 800g jar of rowats beetroot slices( dont worry shes got hunners of jars) and use the juice to give your hair a more natural Plum colour.This juice will invariablly seep into your brain through your nut.This will tell your brain you are full and it wont tell your mouth to shovel more nandoes piittas in..ok.. I hope that helps if not nip round to your friends with a nandos veggie burger and tell them when the next party is....Please remember only attend if you have the burger .if you attend and dont have the burger he will probably swear at you and slam the door in your face.This will give you even more problems than you had before....oh and buy a cat....i like cats.,,,,,,

Tanakas Problem

Here is the latest problem to solve ,the problem goes
Tanaka said...
It seems that I'm destined to make the same mistakes at exactly the same time of year.
What do you think is the best way out in a case like this?

Tanaka,You came to the right place.The solution to you problem is easy.Reading between the lines it becomes apparent that you have an unnatural fixation on your neighbours dog.I rekon you spend hours just thinking about giving it a big hug and a wee kiss.This in its self is not normally a bad thing but the way you fantasze that the dog is wearing a rubber suit and is in a room with a selection of S&M equiptment .Is the worring part.The solution is easy get yourself up to a clinic that treats people who footer with dogs and they will sort you out.Also instead of repeating the same mistakes over and over again.Simply find new mistakes in such a volume that there will be no time for you to repaeat the old ones ,thus freeing you from this neverending spiral of errors.Also if you plan to put any makeup on this Dog,Its ok its probably been tested on dogs before therefore will be safe to use.I hope that helps if not well yer goosed then.Oh and remember always use protection when fighting a gang.
Pattagony

Pattagony will also draw your problems.

Only if you introduce at least 4 friends to the life saving advice held within.IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM.LEAVE IT ON THE COMMENTS PAGE AND I WILL GET BACK TO YOU AS SOON AS POSIBLE.NO REAL PROBLEMS THOUGH ,IM NOT A REAL AGONY AUNT.

A sheep boarding Problem

Anonymous said...
I boabed a sheep last week and now I have a bad itch, can you help.

Of course i can help.
Boabing sheep can hold many a peril.In this case it is quite obvious that the boaber (the one doing the boabing)Was not fully aware of the correct functions involved in Boabing the sheep.So i will enlighten you.
Firstly you must take the correct precausions.A good loose fitting pair of wellies for the securing of the sheep.Carefully place the sheeps rear legs into the wellies(use the front legs if you prefer a sheep bj).In securing the sheep you will find that there will be less horizontal friction and therefore less irritation to your thighs and boy package arrangement.This friction i guess has caused your bad itch.Reading between the lines i feel that this is not your first sheep boab.Ifeel you have been practising this act of wool love several times and may have in the past plunged a dirty sheep.You know the type up for a good boabing any time,any place anywhere.The one with bright red lipstick and wee sheep fishnets.The smell of kipper should also have given you an indication that all was not well.My advice is in future that you go for the quieter sheep and you will find not only will you not pick up an itch but you will inevitably have a better sexual experiance all round(you know what they say the quite ones are the best).You may also find yourself in a long term relationship which can grow with both of you.You can become more and more adventuris in you sexual growth.Talking about growths if you find any in your lower regions ,Stay away from me you many wee sod and go see your gp who will give you some cream to rub on it and invariable in time it will fall off.
This problem reminds me of another, wereby a sheep wrote in telling me of its encounter with a french man.The advice here was simply stay away from the French they are hoaching.
I hope that helps you if not yer Fecked.....Now on yer toes ya mank.

Heres another problem,From a poor wee soul who dosent have a name.The problem goes.
Anonymous said...
Dear Patt,
What's the solution for a girl like me who keeps liking man who are cancerian with girlfriends? :(

I feel so hopeless.

This is a common problem.We have a young maiden who has a deep love for an attached male who happens to be Cancerian.She also as she states feels a little hopeless.The answer is simple as most are.
I think that your only way of removing the said male from his said girlfriend is to put out.Give him a little "away love",
first you need to setup a secret meeting with his lady in a pub some miles away from where they live.She will attend because reading between the lines shes a bit of a dirty stopout,This will give you a few hours to work your magic.while shes attending this deseatful liason.
Nip round dressed only in a dress made out of mars bars covering only the rudest of your appendeges (use larger ones if you only have wee boobs as this will give him the impression you have a fair pair of hoot hoots,No man wants to footer with wee lady paps it feels kind of gay.)No more than 14 as he may eat them and then be of no use to you whatsoever.Carry under your arms a selection of newspapers,a magazine rack and a good and varied selection of food products.On seeing this site he will forget about his dirty girlfriend and fall into your arms.The fact that he is a Cancerian has no effect on your ability to attract him but it does mean he is shy and has a tendancy to like tupperware and wear rubber.If this all fails its down to your lack of expertese in the game of love.My premium rate phone line should help.Calls cost £38.12 PER MINUTE Minimum call last 14 hours 20 mins.Dont ask permission from whoever owns the phone because they wont let you use it.The number is 0777 458 259 454 11 12 142 3. if calling outwith london add 15489654632 at the start.
I hope that helps you.if not well yer fecked then.Try Taureans.